Kat's Konvalusions
by thisisallterriblehELP
Summary: My convaluded version of reality. We do psychotic things such as changing roses to gymsocks and getting our flu shots. Riku fangirls beware. He dies often. Oo New chapter! Evanescence concert! w00t! How can we screw this up? -sarcasm- CRACKFIC. Der...
1. Intro The Psycho Character List

Characters...

Charlotte- My evil half-sister. She has Very dark brown hair, green eyes, and issues.

Kat- Me! The bestest, most smartest, most funniest, most prettiest, most creative, most awesomest character the whole series. Has a beloved past time of killing Riku in various creative ways. Light brown hair, green eyes, and an attitude.

Riku- From Kingdom Hearts. You should really know who this is if you're reading this. Dies in pretty much every chapter.

Sora- From Kingdom Hearts. In my conveluded version of reality, he is part cat. And I also made him Jewish for some reason.

Kairi- From Kingdom Hearts. Great squaredancer. If you put her in a blender and turned it on high, whats in there after half an hour would make great anti-bacterial handsoap.

Leon(Squall)-Own a nightclub called "Leon's". Mitsuki from Full Moon works there during the summer.

Yuffie- Founded Microsoft. (now Yuffiesoft) Yuffie is not a ninja.

Cloud Strife- Pirate! Big-ass sword. (With bandages on it...?)

Harry Potter- No significant role. We just use his dried out corpse as a tissue dispenser.

Jaypaw- From Warriors. Blind. He is the Hero of Time.

Link- The manager at Red's Shoe Barn. Hates Jaypaw 'cuz he took away Link's old job as the Hero of Time.

Bluestar- She rose from the dead. Now she's a zombie and the Terminator.

Sonic the Hedgehog- If you kill him, the world becomes a better place.

Megaman- Celebrated bus driver.

George W. Bush- President. Also wrote the Giver.

Proffesor Ivy- From Pokemon. Drug dealer. (I didn't come up with that Hillary did.)

Hillary- Spazzy. WarriorCat's Spirit. Goes on fanfiction way too much. My friend. In love with Sora, hates Riku.

Hillary pops up out of nowhere and reads above comments said about her "Hey I'm not COMPLETELY in love Sora! And I don't have hate issues with Riku like you."

Me "TOO BAD! YOU DO NOW!!!" maniacal laughter

Hillary "Hey I'm not the who ordered Riku Voodoo dolls online!"

Me "Hey, they were a three pack and on sale..."

Hillary "Aaaaaaaaaaand?!"

Me "AND they came with a free dog biscuit, plus free shipping."

Hillary "May I please see the Voodoo doll?"

Me #Hands Riku Voodoo doll over#

Hillary "Is this plushie wearing pink hooker heals?! Good Golly Gosh! Why is one of his hands burned off? And what's THIS?! Is this a KITCHEN KNIFE?! THOUGH HIS HEAD?!"

Me "Well I couldn't get the plushie in a paper shredder, so I tried using a knife, and it got stuck in his head."

Hill & Kat "FLASHBACK TIME!!!"

Kat standing near a paper shredder in an office in an undisclosed location

Me "AAAAAAAARGH!!!! Why can't I get this freaking Riku plushie's FAT HEAD into the paper shredder"  
Anonymous Voice "Hey kid! Who the hell are you?! You don't belong in the Pentagon's break room! GET OUT"  
Me #Runs away screaming#

-Flashback ends-

Hillary "Wow..."

Well that's it for now! I hope you liked it... Please review it! I would be ever so grateful! As of writing this, my friend Warriorcat's Spirit (Hillary) hasn't written any stories, so you can try to find her, but I doubt you will untill she posts some stuff. I'll tell you when she does though! 


	2. Chapter 1 The Psycho Romeo and Juliet

"All right everyone! Gather 'round!" I shouted. Everyone gathered 'round out of fear of me hitting them over the head with a comically oversized mallet.

"Since we seem to have spontaneously appeared in this COMPLETELY abandoned theater, we're gonna put on a play!" I said.

"It's THEATERWORLD!!!" shouted Sora. I hit him over the head with the previously mentioned comically oversized mallet.

"Haha! No more sugar cookies for you!" shouted Kairi, grabbing the plate of cookies away from Sora.

"Hey, why does Sora get cookies?!" Yelled Riku, clearly annoyed.

"Shut up Riku!" I yelled at him, while Hillary whistled innocently.

"SORA IS MINE YOU BIG FAT MEANIE-POO!" screamed Kairi at Hillary. Kairi then took the cookies and gave them to me.

"If Sora can't have the cookies, can I have them back, please...? I stayed up all night baking them, and I accidentally burned my hands!" said Hillary, holding up her bandaged hand. "Wah! It hurts!" she said.

"All right people, we're getting waaaaaaaaaaaay off track," I said "so the next person to say anything stupid, gets whacked."

"I still want cookies." said Riku. I hit him over the head with a brick.

"So what play are we doing?" asked Charlotte.

"We're doing the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet, 'cuz I don't know any other plays. Or scenes from plays." I said.

"Well don't we do something we don't know? Ya know, make up our own story! Or re-do a movie!" said Hillary. "OOOOOOOOOH!!! We should do The Wizard of Oz!" yelled Sora.

"How about Napoleon Dynamite?" suggested Kairi.

"What about a Harry Potter movie?" wondered Riku. Everyone glared at him.

"What...?" asked Riku.

"MYACHOO!!!" I sneezed. Snot was dripping down my face, so I casually bent down to pull a tissue out of the mouth of Harry Potter's empty shell of a corpse. I wiped my nose and threw the tissue at Riku.

"Ewwwwww..." said Riku.

"Haha!" Charlotte and I pointed and laughed at his sorry ass.

"What about The Sound of Music?" asked Hillary.

"Oh wait, never mind," she reconsidered "we don't have anyone old enough to play Maria."

"We could use Riku, with his old man white hair!" I laughed.

"It's platinum silver!" he yelled at me.

"It that what it said on the hair dye box? Personally I think purple polka-dots would suit you much better." I sneered.

"Maria is only like, twenty... She's not old enough to have grey hair..." said Hillary.

"What about the Yu-Gi-Oh Movie??? I have a Yugi wig." wondered James very loudly and abruptly. We all shut our mouths to stare at him.

"ALL RIGHT THAT'S IT!" I roared. "WE ARE DOING THE BALCONY SCENE, SO EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP NOOOOOOOOOOW!!!"

"So who's gonna be who...?" wondered Charlotte.

"I dunno..." I said.

"If Riku is Romeo I call being Juliet!" shouted Charlotte.

"Okay, shut up now. You can be Juliet, and Riku can be Romeo." I said.

"Besides, Romeo dies." I thought to myself. "So I can be the gaurd that kills him!" I started doing a victory dance and laughed maniacally. Everyone stopped and stared at me.

"And I'll be the gaurd..." I said rapidly. Everyone went back to doing their own thing.

"'Scuze me Kat, I don't have a role..." said Hillary.

"That's great! While you go find a roll to eat, pick me up some pizza! Cheese, no sauce. When you come back, you can work the sandbags..." I shooed her away. I turned around. The set was set up! I couldn't believe it! It was a miracle! I didn't even have to do any manual labour! Hooray!

"All right everyone! Let's start a dress rehearsal." I ordered. Charlotte climbed up into the tower. Riku took his position at the foot of the tower. James ran across the set doing his Japanese Geo impression, which incidentally sounded just like a seven-year-old Japanese school girl. Hillary came scrambling back to me and handed me a pizza box.

"Be careful, it's hot..." squeeked Hillary.

"Great!" I said cheerfully. I took a slice out and threw it at Riku's face.

"AAAAAAAAAAAGH!!! IT BURNS!!! OMFG!!!! YOU GOT PIZZA GREASE ON MY GLORIOUS HAIR!!! IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNS!!!! IT BUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrnnnss..." he screamed in pain. I sighed. Stupid Riku and his stupid pre-occupation with his stupid hair. Riku is so stupid. His name also means dirt in Japanese. A few seconds later we started the play.

Romeo(Riku) -coming forward- :

sigh I'm so bored...

Juliet(Charlotte) comes out onto the balcony-

Romeo(Riku):

It's kinda bright out... Hey Kat, isn't this part supposed to be at night...?

Riku has more pizza thrown at him

Romeo(Riku):

MY HAIR!!! THE GREASE!!! IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurns!!!

Sexy Leopard Girl(Kat):

Shut the hell up!!

Romeo(Riku):

It is the East, and Juliet is dangerous without sunglasses! HEY KAT! I DON'T THINK EAST IS SUPPOSED TO BE CAPITALIZED!!!

more pizza throwing

Romeo(Riku):

IT BUUUUUUUUUUURNS!!! MY UBER-SEXY HAIR!!! IT HAS PIZZA GREASE ON IT!!! OH GOD NOOOOOOOoooooooooooo...

Allmighty Leopard Goddes(Kat):

Just SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR FRIGGIN' HAIR ALREADY!!! God...

Romeo(Riku):

Arise, fair sun, and kill the shiny night ball, Who is already sick and pale with depression which needs professional treatment Hey, Juliet, did you know that your maid is prettier than you...? Anyways... Be not her maid, since she is envious and an illegal alien. Her vegitable liver is but sick and green, And none but fools do wear mini-skirts. Blast off. It is my lady. O, it is my chicken! O that she knew where she were! If she does not, please get the braindead girl a map. She speaks. Yet she says nothing. What of that, yo? Her eye discourses. I will not answer it, for my cellphone is dead and out of batteries. I am too bold. 'Tis not to me she speaks. It is to that chicken. OOOOOOOOOOOoooh!!!! Fuzzy chicken!!! Two of the sexiest stars in all the heaven, Anna Nicole Smith and Elvis, Having some business, which is an illegal drug ring, with Proffesor Ivy as the leader. To twinkle in their cubes till they return. What if her eyes were there, they in her head? Then they would not be dangling out of her he- holy sht! Who wrote this..? Hmmmm... with it's graphic, gory detail, I bet it was Kat... Errr...ANYWAYS! The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars- oh Elvis... As daylight doth a lamp. Her eyes in the place where you go when you die, and don't happen to be a murderous drug addict or Kat... Would through the airy region stream- long flowy skirts turn me on... That birds would sing and think it were not three in the freaking morning... See how she leans her cheek upon her hand! O that I were a glove upon that hand, That I might touch that honking zit on her face!

Juliet(Charlotte) :

Ooooh! A chicken!!!

Romeo(Riku) :

That weird chick up there speaks. O, speak again, bright demon!—for I will slay you with my keyblade! As glorious to this night, being o'er my head, and pushing up daisies A winged messenger of heaven is to the Sony PSP as Darth Vader is to Pokemon. Unto the white-upturned wondering eyes that are still dangling out of her head Of mortals that fall back to gaze on pie When he bestrides the lazy, clouds that are smoking pipes And sails upon the butt of the air.

Juliet(Charlotte):

O Romeo, Romeo! Where the fck art thou Romeo? Deny your father who never shows up in the game, your father and refuse yer name. Or, if you aren't, maybe you could get me a slice of that pizza. Or be my love, or something like that... And I'll no longer be a Capricorn. Errr... Capulet.

Romeo(Riku):

Shall I hear more, or shall I go charge my cellphone and hit on Kairi?

Juliet(Charlotte):

It's your name that's my enemy, not the frigging pinapple that Sora drew! You, are you, not a Montague. Hey that rhymes! Errr... What's Montague? It ain't your hands or your feet or your arm(s) or ugly face or any other part belonging to a man. wink wink nudge nudge O, be some other name! Or a pizza! I'm kinda hungry... What's in a name? That which we call gym socks By any other word would smell as sweet. So Romeo would, were he a duck, Retain that dear stench which he owes Without that duck Romeo, you are nothing. And frothy name, which is no part of thee, Take all myself. Please come to the darkside Lu- I mean Romeo.

Romeo(Riku):

I take thee at thy word. Call me but love, and I'll not aswer, because my cellphone is still out of batteries. Henceforth I never will be Romeo. I'll be a duck named Quakers.

Juliet(Charlotte):

What man art thou that, thus bescreened in night, So stumblest on my pencil? Crap! You broke it you clumsy ssmunch!

Romeo(Riku):

By a screen-name I've got no clue how to tell you who I am. My name, dear person-lady-thing, is hateful to myself, Because it is an enemy to Charizard. Had I written it, I would have torn up this rediculous script by now.

Juliet(Charlotte):

My ears have not yet been drunkards Of tongue's plastic, yet I know the sound. Art thou not Romeo, and a Monty Python member...? I mean, Montague?

Romeo(Riku):

YOU HATE ME DON'T YOU???

Juliet(Charlotte): Errrr, where are you? The orchard walls are high and hard to climb, and thou are not a ninja, nor is Yuffie. You will die, If any of my home dawgz find thee here.

Romeo(Riku):

With love's light wings did I o'erperch these walls. (I'm breaking and entering.) For stony limits cannot hold out pie, Pie will do whatever the hell pie feels like doing. Therefore, your home dawgz can't hurt me.

Juliet(Charlotte):

If they do see you, they will murder thee. Ooooh! A fuzzy chicken in a Darth Vader helmet!!!

Darth Chicken(Chicken):

Darth-breathing

Romeo, I am Darth-breathing your father.

Romeo(Riku):

Cool! Does that make me Darth-chicken-Riku-Romeo-Vader?

Juliet(Charlotte):

HellllooooO? Pay attention to ME!

Romeo(Riku):

Sorry... So, uh, yeah... But in any case, your home dawgz connot kill me.

Juliet(Charlotte):

I would not for a piece of pie let them see you here.

Romeo(Riku):

I have stolen Harry Potter's invisibility cloak. Oh, and I went through his pockets at his funeral. I found some money in his pockets. It's shiny! Errr... anyways... I'm going to jail for breaking and entering. My life were better ended by their hate. And pointy projctiles! Your purdy.

Juliet(Charlotte):

Who told you where my house is? Are you some kind stalker?!

Romeo(Riku):

I told some dude about my plight, and traded him three gold galleons for your adress. I miss those Galleons. They were shiny. And prettier than you.

Juliet(Charlotte):

You know the mask of night is on my face, as well as a honking zit. blushes We are talking at three in the feaking morning... Romeo(Riku):

Oh. Well, I'll see you later then.

-Romeo(Riku) walks off stage-

-Lights dim-

"All right guys! That was great!" I said. "Hey Hillary, you can drop the curtain now!" Hillary whipped her brother's pocket knife. She cut the rope with a hundred-pound sandbag on it. Riku yawned and streched as he commented on how happy he was to be out of puffy olde-tyme pant and back to his normal puffy pants. Suddenly his eyes widened and he let out a shriek of terror as the aforementioned sand bag plummeted down onto his face. Blood gushed out of his nose as he screamed a gut-wrenching scream. He began to writhe in pain on the ground. Sora started to scream for some one to call the paramedics, but then he realized that the cookies and pizza had been left ungaurded and went over to have a snack..

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARH!!! UNGH!!! GRAAAAAAAAH!!! OOOoooooooh! MY HAIR!!! MY HAIR HAS BLOOD ON IT!!! GRAAAAAAAGH!!! NOooooooooo..." shrieked Riku as tears of pain steamed down his face. He started to tremble with agony. Charlotte started laughing at my side.

"What a loser!" we both commented at the same time. Hillary was hiding behind her brother James, who was too busy playing Sonic with his Sonic action figures to realize that anything had happened. Kairi was over with Sora feeding him and kissing him on the forehead. Suddenly the light left Riku's eyes. His body fell limp.

"Well, that was entertaining." I said. "Hey guys! Save some cookies and pizza for me!"

Darth Chicken began to peck at Riku's fresh corpse. Harry Potter lay still, a tissue hanging out of his mouth. And as for Shakespeare? Well, he was up in that place you go to if you aren't a murderous drug dealer or me, smiling down on the girl who tried to spoof his story with hysterical results.


	3. Chapter 2 The Psycho Flu Clinic

As our "heroes" were hanging out(loitering) behind a flu clinic, they realized that they hadn't gotten their flu shots yet.

"Hey, we haven't gotten our flu shots yet!" noticed Hillary.  
"TO THE FRONT OF THE FLU CLINIC!" I screamed. We all ran to the front of the flu clinic. I pushed open the door, and Hillary, James, Riku, Kairi, Charlotte, and Jaypaw all filed in. Sora walked into the door on his way in.  
"Owie!" he exclaimed. Hillary and Kairi ran over to help him, but on the way, Kairi shoved Hillary onto the ground.  
"Owie!" she exclaimed. Riku went over to help her.  
"STAY AWAY FROM MY FRIEND YOU PERVE!" I shrieked, and then I threw a brick at Riku's head.  
"Owie! I got brick in my uber-sexy hair!" he exclaimed. Charlotte and I stood there and laughed at his sorry ass.  
"Come on guys, we need to get our flu shots." said Hillary.  
"Okay, let's go sign in." I said. We went over to the reception counter.  
"Hello, my name Porridge. Please sign your first and last names, medical history, location, and insurance policy." said the lady at the reception counter.  
"What if we don't have last names..?" asked Sora.  
"What kind freaks don't have last names?" shouted Porridge. Sora began to sob. He walked over to the corner of the office. He sat down and began to cry. Hillary and Kairi raced over to comfort him. Kairi won, of course.  
"I can't see, and I don't have opposable thumbs!" yelled Jaypaw.  
"Why are you even here?" asked Charlotte.  
"Because he's awesome! And the Hero of Time!" I shouted. Somewhere off in the distance, Link heard this. His eyes narrowed.  
"Damn that cat..." he mumbled. He went back to helping some random kid tie her shoes. Link's nametag said manager. Of Red's Shoe Barn.

"Hey Jaypaw, how many fingers am I holding up?" asked Riku, holding up his middle finger.  
"Ummm... you are flipping me off." Jaypaw asked.  
"Wow, Jaypaw, that's really good! High five!" said Riku, holding out his hand for a high five. Jaypaw then clawed at his hand. Riku shrieked, holding the clump of mangled flesh where his hand used to be.  
"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR MAKING FUN OF THE BLIND!" screamed Charlotte. Riku pouted.  
"Just get me a friggin' band-aid..." he mumbled.  
"NEVER!" screamed Charlotte, even louder than before.  
"Allright, everyone! Come inside the office. Doctor Cow will see you now." said Porridge.  
"But, we never filled out the forms we needed!" I said.  
"Who gives a flying crap! GET IN THERE NOOOOOOOOOOOOW!" screamed Porridge.  
"Okaaaay..." we all whispered in unison. We walked through the doorway.  
"She can scream louder than Kat!" Riku whispered to Sora.  
"CAN NOOOOOOOOOOOOT!" I screamed at Riku and Sora. I reached into Sora's backpack and pulled out his cookies.  
"Hey! Give those back! They're mine!" complained Sora.  
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey! I want cookies!" whined Riku.  
"Mmmmmmmmm... These cookies are sooooooo delicious!" I exclaimed. "And Riku's never gonna get any! Yummmmmm"  
"I never got to try my cookies... Are they really that good...?" asked Hillary.  
"No, but don't tell Riku that..." I whispered in Hillary's ear.  
"Thanks, Kat." she said sarcastically.  
"Your welcome!" I said cheerfully.  
BAM!  
The door suddenly slammed shut behind us. We spun around.  
"Who's there?!" Riku demanded.  
"It is I! Doctor Cow!" exclaimed a soothingly cheerful voice from behind us. We spun around. Again. Staring at us was a man, with a small, wide nose, flourescent green hair, a purple mustache, one eye the color of peaches, the other the color of lime. His skin was grey, and his breath smelled like horse entrails. Not that I should know what those smell like.  
"I'm going to give you young folks your flu shots!" he said.  
"Young man! Come here." said Doctor Cow, pointing at James.  
"Wait, since when has James been here?!" asked Kairi.  
"Whatever, who cares! Come here!" shouted Doctor Cow, as he pulled out a very, VERY large needle. James screamed and ducked under a table.  
"Megaman will protect me!" her screamed, holding up a looking Megaman plushie that he had bought on Ebay four years ago for eighty bucks.  
"Are you even certified to be a doctor?" asked Sora.  
"SHUT UP!" roared Doctor Cow. He lunged at Sora and pinned him to the ground. He jabbed a needle into Sora's arm and got off. Sora was quiet for a moment. Everyone watched in silence.  
"Hey! That didn't hurt bit!" announced Sora. "I want a cookie! Where's my bag? I want my bag! Where's my bag?!" Sora shouted and dropped to his knees. He looked up at the sky, which was obscured by the ceiling at the moment.  
"WHY MEEEE?! I WANT MY COOOOOOOOOOOOKIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!" he wailed.  
"Calm down Sherlock, your'e wearing your backpack on your back." I said.  
"Oh." said Sora, pulling his old, decrepit Mickey Mouse backpack that he got at Disney. (WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY AT DISNEY WILL BE REVEALED IN A DIFFERENT STORY)  
"Thank GOD! Everything that has ever been important to me ever is in this here backpack!" announced Sora.  
"Do you have a picture of me in there...?" inquired Kairi.  
"No, just cookies and a couple of Riku's toenail clippings." answered Sora. Kairi dropped to the floor. She curled up into the fetal position and began to sob. It was there that Doctor Cow sprung into action. Kairi, our dear Kairi...had been...vaccinated. Doctor Cow turned around. He looked directly into my eyes.  
"Your next." he said. It was then I remembered. I hate getting shots. I sceamed. I ran toward him and knocked the needle out of his hands. I bit into his arm with my leopard fangs. Something was wrong. Something was terribly wrong. His flesh was cold.  
"DEAD MAN WALKING!" I screamed.  
"I knew he was the living dead." said Jaypaw. The doctor fell over.  
"Is he breathing?" asked Charlotte.  
"I don't know." said Riku as he kicked Doctor Cow's corpse. Riku coughed.  
"OMFG! Riku has the flu! He'll contaminate us if we don't vaccinate him!" I screamed. I grabbed a bunch of needles and jabbed then in his arm. I injected him with flu vaccine.  
"Kat! That's way too much flu vaccine! You'll kill him!" shouted Kairi, who was still in the fetal postition.  
"So?! If we get the flu, we'll ALL die! Including Sora! Do you want that?!" I yelled at Kairi.  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Kairi and Hillary.  
"Hey, I think I'm dying here..." whispered Riku, who's face was now purple. I turned to look at him. He coughed loudly and blood trickled out of his nose.  
"Riku! Are you okay? I smell blood!" yelled Jaypaw.  
"I feel naseaus..." croaked Riku. He dropped down onto the floor on all fours. His body lurched as he vomitted onto the floor.  
"That's disgusting! Can you do that somewhere else please?" I whined.  
"I can't move..." he mumbled. He fell onto the floor. His head landed in the puddle of his vomit.  
"NOOOOOOOOO!" we all shrieked.  
"RIKU'S UBER-SEXY HAIR HAS VOMIT IN IT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" we all screamed in unison. Suddenly, the light left Riku's eyes. Where there had once been laughter and light, bunnies and cookies too, there was was now darkness.  
"Can I have his toenails?" asked Sora.  
"Um. Okay?" Jaypaw said.  
"We should shave his head and give his Uber-sexy hair to the poor!" said Kairi.  
"You idiot! The poor people don't need wigs! Criminals do! We should give his uber-sexy hair to criminals!" yelled Hillary.  
"What about his fangirls? We could sell it to his fangirls for fifty bucks a strand! Easy money!" I exclaimed. Suddenly a random nameless Riku fangirl popped out of nowhere with a big wad of cash. "I'll take fifty!" she screamed. I took the money from her and counted it. 2500 US dollars! I handed her some hair/vomit.  
"There, now if you'll excuse me, I have a new TV and a Helio Ocean with my name on it, waiting for me at Wal-Mart." I said and ran off.

And to this very day, no one knows what happened to Porridge. Or the flu clinic. Nobody ever saw that place again. I think it's a Rite-Aid now. 


	4. Chapter 3 Santa Hates Kairi

"Kat! Kat! C'mere! Look at this!" shouted Kairi, running towards me. She shoved a letter into my hands.  
"I sent my Christmas list to Santa, and look at the letter I got back!" She pointed.

Dear Kairi,  
Ummmmmm, no. Sorry, but you're on the naughty list. For more information, please visit our website, at www.imnaughtyandidontknowwhy.gov or call our toll-free number at 1-800-IMN-AUGH-TYA-NDID-ONT-KNOW-WHY. Thanks, and I hope you have a crappy Christmas YOU NAUGHTY LITTLE BRAT!!!

Love,  
Santa's Little Helper Stevie Wonder

"Wow..." I said reading over the letter.  
"Did you cheat on Sora or something...? With Riku maybe...? He has been seen toting around your limp body..." I inquired.  
"NooOOOO!!! No way I would do that!!!" she said.  
"Oh, okay, just checking... But just out of curiosity, since when has Santa worked for the government...?" I wondered, reading the web-adress.  
"I don't know. We should check it out." said Kairi.

"Okay... www.imnaughtyandidontknowwhy.gov..." I said outloud as I typed it into the web adress bar. Kairi looked over my shoulder.  
"Your computer is so slow..." she commented.  
"Tell me about it..." I said angrily. I knocked the side of my computer.  
"Hey what're you guys up to?" asked Sora, entering the parlor with Hillary, Riku, and Yuffie in tail.  
"SORA-CHAN!!!" Kairi screeched and ran over to him. She glomped him and started to play with his fuzzy, grey cat ears.  
"Hey Kairi! I got some cookies!" Sora said, freeing himself from Kairi's constricting hug. He help up a sumtuous looking cookie.  
"Oooh! Can I try one, just a little bit?" asked Kairi, reaching out for the cookie that she so desperately desired. Sora pulled the cookie out of her reach.  
"No way, Kairi. Not until you give me my Kelly Clarkson CD back!" Sora retorted. Kairi groaned.  
"Ugh, well isn't that just a lame twinkie wrapper on the Britney Spears CD that is my day!" Kairi whined and returned to hovering over my shoulder.  
"What's wrong Kairi?" asked Yuffie, who isn't a ninja.  
"I'm... I'm... I'm..." Kairi jumbled the words.  
"You're PREGNANT?!?!" screeched Hillary, her eyes widening in shock.  
"NO!!! It's just that... Well... I... Ummm... You know..." Kairi mumbled, still stuck on the words.  
"You're a CANADIAN?!?!" shouted Sora.  
"NO! Well, I might be part Canadian, but that's not the point here... the point is that I kinda am on the... you know..." said Kairi softly. There was an awkward silence as everyone speculated what she could possibly be on.  
"Not like that you wierdos!" screamed Kairi.  
"I think what she's trying to say is that she's on Santa's Naughty List, am I right, Kairi?" offered Riku in a caring tone.  
"Yeah... that's it..." said Kairi as she hung her head in shame. Riku walked over to Kairi's side, and leaned in to look at the computer. I shoved him away.  
"Nuh-uh! You're not coming near my computer after what I caught you looking at the other day!" I shouted. There was an awkward pause as every one stopped again to speculate at just what Riku had been looking at the other day.  
"NOT LIKE THAT YOU WEIRDOS!" he screeched.  
"He's right. He wasn't looking at porno- he was looking at worse. It was the Barbie Website." I said. Riku's face flushed.  
"It was going to be a Christmas gift for my little cousin." he explained. Everyone heaved a sigh of relief.  
"Hey, since when has Santa worked for the government?" he asked, looking at the web adress.  
"That's one of the things we're trying to find out." I said, turning back to the computer screen. Sora, Kairi, Riku, Hillary, and Yuffie all leaned in to watch. I hit "contact Santa.  
"What the... it says that I have to log-in..." I mumbled. I hit sign-up. I typed in Kairi's info, and disposable email adress (she didn't want any spam from Santa.  
CONFIRMATION LINK SENT!  
"Oh, thats just great... we have to confirm this stupid thing." I grumbled. Kairi reached over and went to her email. After clicking the link, and being sent back to www.imnaughtyandidontknowwhy.gov, I hit the login button. Kairi typed in the information.  
THANK YOU FOR LOGGING IN!  
"... And...?" said Hillary. Suddenly there was a chilly breeze at my back. I turned around to see a frozen wasteland.  
"What the...?" said Yufie.  
I turned around. My computer was gone! Then I realized- so was my chair. My butt landed on the frozen ground.  
"Youch!" I said, my tail seething.  
"Kat fell down! Haha!" laughed Sora.  
"Shut up Sora!" I snapped.  
"OMG! Look! It's a frozen wasteland...type...place...thing..." said Hillary.  
"It's so pretty!" said Kairi, spinning around and humming Simple and Clean.  
"Do you really think she's dressed appropriately to be out in the freezing snow...?" wondered Riku.  
"Well neither is Yuffie, you idiot." I said, pointing to Yuffie.  
"So? I'm a NINJA!" shouted Yuffie.  
"SHUT UP YUFFIE! YOU'RE NOT A FRICKIN' NINJA!!!" I roared at her. Yuffie teared up.  
"You're right... I am cold... RIKU HOLD ME!!!" screamed Yuffie as she glomped onto Riku.  
"Well, ya know, none of us are really are really dressed for this type of weather. Except for maybe Hillary- she always wears sweaters..." commented Riku, comforting Yuffie in his arms.  
"And Kat, why are you in a kimono...?" asked Sora, munching a cookie.  
" 'Cuz it's leopard print." I said with smug grin.  
"Hey, look at that! There! Over yonder!" exclaimed Yuffie.  
"Is that a house..?" I asked, and squinted, even though squinting impairs your vision.  
"I think it is!" said Hillary.  
"C'mon, I wanna see whats in it. Let's go!" I announced. We started the trek to the house. We ignored the fact that we had no idea where we were, because we're all insane, and don't notice that type of thing, and when we do, we usually don't worry about it. The wind dramaticly blew our hair around. I heard a noise behind me. I turned arourd. Probably just the wind, I thought to myself, as I surveyed tthe area and saw nothing but snow. I continued the climb up the large snow drift. Suddenly, Riku fell down, and started sliding down the hill-thing at a breakneck speed.  
"Help! Somethings got me!" he screamed.  
"What is it? I can't see!" exclaimed Yuffie.  
"I don't know! I think it's a... PENGUIN! PENGUIN! PENGUIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Riku screamed. The wind stopped blowing for a second, long enough for us to see a renegade penguin holding Riku's foot. The penguin, in it's other flipper, held a sword.  
"Noooooooooo! RIKU!" Sora cried out dramatically. We all slid down the hill, but by the time we got there, it was too late. The penguin had murdered Riku.  
"N...No...Riku..." said Kairi, tearing up at the sight of Riku's corpse. I picked him up and slung his body over my shoulder.  
"Maybe, it's not too late! If we get him to Santa!" I said hopefully.  
"Santas not real!" yelled Hillary. Every one gasped.  
"Hillary! How could you say that?!" Yuffie screeched.  
"Think about it-" Hillary began. Sora interrupted her.  
"Think about this Hillary. When Kat opened an email for Kairi, we got landed in this frozen wasteland, then Riku got killed by a renegade penguin HOLDING a sword, even though penguins don't have opposable thumbs, and YOU think that there's no chance of Santa being real." said Sora. Every one stared at Sora, who had suddenly become the mature voice of reason in Riku's absence. I speculate that since Riku was dead (once again) and therefor not able to hold his position as the alpha-male, Sora's instincts had commanded him to cut the cookie-loving crap, and become a more mature young adult. But thats just a speculation. We began the trek up the hill of snow once again. Riku's body still warm, kept me company.

The snow and Riku's dead weight began to weigh me down as we reached the top of the hill.  
"Finally, we're here!" Kairi exclaimed. I read the sign on the door at the house from far away.  
"Santa's Workshop" it read.  
"Look, Santa's workshop! Let's go!" I said. We raced towards the building. Riku's weight was getting heavier. We reached the door. I opened the door and walked inside. THUD! Oops, Riku's head accidentaly hit the door frame on the way in. I dropped his body onto the floor, as every one entered through the door into this dark, dark room. The only thing I could see was the back of a chair, facing a fireplace. I heard some one clap. The lights turned on.  
"Fancy!" said Kairi, grinning. The chair swivveled around. In it was a fat man in a red suit.  
"You're clothing choice is extremely garrish!" exclaimed Hillary to the man.  
"I'm Santa, stupid." said the man to Hillary.  
"Oh... sorry!" said Hillary.  
"What can I do for you people?" asked Santa.  
"I'm on the naughty list and I don't know why!" said Kairi.  
"I wanna know why you're wrking for the government." I demanded. Sora fealt like he was forgetting something important that he should tell Santa.  
"Oh yeah!" He ecxclaimed. "Our friend Riku was murdered by a rogue penguin"  
"I can fix all your troubles!" said Santa cheerfully.  
"Kairi, when you were five, you stole a pack of bubblegum from a Wal-Mart in San Fransisco." he said.  
"Wait, I lived in San Fransisco?" asked Kairi.  
"No, but you stole a pack of gum anyways." said Santa blatently.  
"WHAT?! THAT'S IT?!" screeched Kairi.  
"Kat, I have no idea what you're talking about." said Santa ignoring Kairi's screeching.  
"And Sora, even though you technically don't believe in me because you're Jewish, I'll bring Riku back to life." he said.  
"Oooough... what happened...?" moaned Riku from the floor, getting up.  
"Riku!" Screamed Yuffie.  
"Allright kids, well I have to go make my rounds now." said Santa, "But you can see the take off if you like"  
"YAY!" we all shrieked, and ran to the barn. I started petting Cupid, while Riku stroked Rudolph. Suddenly, the take off started. I jumped out of the way, but Riku was too slow. He was trampled to death by a bunch of reindeer. Santa's sleigh slid over him and launched into the air. Blood soaked the snow. Riku didn't move.  
"Sorry about that kids!" Santa shouted from his sleigh.  
"It's okay, he'll come back to life in the next story anyways!" Kairi shouted.  
As Santa flew off into the night, a thought crossed his mind.  
"That kid Riku had some uber-sexy hair." he said to himself, as he flew off into the night.

Back down in the barn, a panic had begun. How were we gonna get back home? Oh well. We'll be home in the next story anyways... 


	5. Chapter 4 Grand FINALE!

"OMG

"OMG!" Hillary screamed as she ran into my living room.

"Whaaaaaaaaaaat...?" Kairi whined.

"We're trying to watch Scrubs here." Yuffie said, and the two of them turned back to my TV.

"Hi, Hillary." Riku greeted.

"Hi..." Hillary said unenthusiastically.

"What did you want, Hillary? Quick, before the commercial's over!" I said.

"Okay, get this! Evanescence is coming to the local concert hall!!" Hillary shrieked.

"But we basically live in the middle of nowhere, why would they come here?" Yuffie asked.

"People have concerts in the middle of nowhere, sometimes..." Hillary said meekly.

"Is some one lying to you about this concert? I bet it's a trap." Said Riku.

"A... trap...?? Why would anyone try to trap us?" I asked.

"Because I'M THE HERO OF TIME!" Shrieked Jaypaw. Somewhere in the distance, Link heard this, and cringed. He couldn't believe that damn cat had stolen his job.

"Riiiiiiight..." said Sora.

"I love Evanescence!" Charlotte said.

"Me too! We should totally go!" exclaimed Hillary.

"But where would we get ticket money?" I asked.

"We could always rip some of Riku's hair out and sell it to his rabid fangirls." said Yuffie.

"NO WAY! You guys are NOT ripping out ANY of my uber-sexy hair." Riku retorted.

"Can we sell some of your clothes?" Hillary asked.

"Errrr, no?" Riku replied.

"How about we set up a 'Hit Wakka with a Large Metal Pipe for a Buck' stand?" I suggested.

"Great idea!" said Sora, Kairi, Riku, Yuffie, and Hillary in unison.

By Friday, enough people had come to hit the fake-Jamaican with a large metal pipe that we could afford to go to the concert. I was thrilled. However, there were some people that be hatin' on Evanescence.

"This is stupid. Evanescence sucks." complained Jaypaw as Kairi and I sat down in the seats of Riku's car. Riku closed the door and buckled his seatbelt. He turned the key and the car started up. I loved the color of this car. It matched his eyes, which is in fact, he told me so himself, the reason why he bought it. I turned around. Behind us, Sora, Hillary, and Charlotte had all squeezed into Yuffie's bright yellow convertible. The license plate read -UtN- which Yuffie had said stood for "Yuffie the Ninja". I smiled to myself. We all knew that Yuffie wasn't a ninja.

"You guys buckled?" Riku asked.

"Yup!" Kairi said cheerfully.

"Of course!" I said.

"What about you, Jaypaw?" asked Riku.

"This is beyond stupid... I'm a frickin' cat, I can't buckle up." said Jaypaw, annoyed.

"Jaypaw, I can't start driving until everyone is buckled!" explained Riku.

"Fine..." mumbled Jaypaw as he clicked his seatbelt into place.

I was riding shotgun, because I loved to stick my head out the window. Kairi sat behind Riku, while Jaypaw sat behind me and mumbled obscenities to himself. I couldn't wait to get to the concert and see Evanescence. I had never been to a concert before, and neither had Kairi or Hillary. Jaypaw had been to see/hear Beyonce in concert, while Sora had seen Kelly Clarkson in concert THREE TIMES. Riku had seen Riyu Kosaka once, and Yuffie and Charlotte had seen Weird Al.

"I'm so excited!" exclaimed Kairi.

"Me too!" I said.

"Hey Riku, what are concerts like?" Kairi asked.

"Well… They're loud." Riku said bluntly.

Meanwhile, in Yuffie's car, Sora and Charlotte were having an argument. It was their usual argument over whether or not hardwood floors pwn.

"Hardwood floors ROCK!" Charlotte yelled at Sora.

"No they DON'T!" Sora yelled back.

"Why not?!" Charlotte yelled angrily.

"I told you before, they're hard to clean, and ugly!" Sora shrieked.

"No they aren't! Don't say things like that!" whined Charlotte.

"Will you guys shut up?! I'm trying to drive here!" screeched Yuffie from the wheel.

"Sorry, Yuffie..." said Sora and Charlotte apologetically.

Yuffie sighed. She could barely get a moment of peace around these psychos. She turned to her blue iPod. She had put some cute stickers on it so that it didn't look completely boring. There were a few hibiscus flowers on one part, and a Kitty White sticker on the back, next to where she had scribbled her name in black sharpie. There was a sticker of the time when she, Cloud (the pirate), and Leon (the angry one) had gone to the mall and she had pulled the boys over to a photo booth. She smiled. Ah, her childhood. Okay, maybe not her childhood, considering it had only been taken about a month ago, but whatever.

"Are we there yet?" I whined.

"For the hundredth time, NO!" screamed Riku. I was bored of driving. I wanted to be at the concert. And the music Riku was playing wasn't helping either. It was some god-awful bubblegum guy-pop, and I hated it.

"And baby I will wait for you!" Riku sung along to the horrifying song.

"Ew, I hate guy pop." I mumbled.

"I think the song is kind of pretty. It's a little sad too." Kairi commented. I stared at Kairi.

"Um, how about no?" I said.

"C'mon, it's not that bad!" said Kairi.

"Um, Kairi? It's about a guy basically stalking his ex. It's kinda creepy." I said flatly.

"Well I like it, so both of you just shut up." Riku said, annoyed.

"BUBBLEGUM GUY-POP MUST DIE!!" yelled Jaypaw from the backseat.

"YEAH! TELL IT TO 'EM JAYPAW!!" I cheered.

"Hey look! The concert hall!" said Riku, tearing Jaypaw and myself away from screaming about how sucky the song was.

Riku's car pulled into the parking lot, and Yuffie's car followed.

"I don't see any good parking spots." Kairi said.

"Shut up." Said Riku. He scrolled down his window.

"Yuffie! YUFFIE!" he yelled.

"What?" she answered.

"Do you see any good parking spots where we could park close together?" he asked.

"I dunno, I think I might see one over there." Yuffie replied.

"Okay, I'll see you over there!" Riku shouted. He pulled his head back inside the car. He turned and drove over to the parking space. Yuffie pulled in next to the space and Riku turned off his car.

"C'mon, let's go!" I shouted excitedly and swung open the car door, hitting the car next to us.

"Kat!! Be CAREFUL!" shouted Riku.

"I'm sorry... Jeez... It was an accident." I said weakly.

"Smooth." Kairi smirked at me.

"It was!" I shouted.

"Okay. I believe you." said Kairi, obviously not really believing me.

The sky was dark. I could see some stars above us. The parking lot lights flickered on. It was so pretty. I took a deep breath and gagged. I forgot we were in a parking lot. The smell of car fuel was now choking me. My eyes watered. The most disgusting smell in the universe. Except for maybe the smell of hair gel being processed. The only reason I knew what that smelled like was because Sora had once dragged us on a "field trip" to a hair gel factory.

"Kat!" some one poked me. I turned around.

"Hillary!!" I shrieked.

"OMG I missed you sooooooooooo uber-ultra-freaking much!!" she shouted.

"OMG I missed you sooooooooooo uber-ultra-freaking much too!" I replied.

"The car ride was only about twenty minutes, you two." said Charlotte.

"Idiots..." mumbled Jaypaw.

"Hi Sora!" squeaked Kairi in delight as Sora got out of Yuffie's car.

"Yola!" yipped Sora, grinning in delight at the word he had made up during the car ride.

"Move it you guys. It's gonna be packed by the time we get in." Riku grumbled and Charlotte, Yuffie, and I raced ahead. Kairi and Hillary soon followed. Back in his car, Riku fumbled with Jaypaw's seatbelt.

"I told you it was a stupid idea to make me buckle up." Jaypaw snorted.

"Oh, be quiet." Riku growled.

"WOAH! HOLYOHMAHFREAKINGGAWDLOOKATTHISPLACEITSSOHUUUUUUUUUUGE!!" I shrieked at the top of my lungs.

"WOAH!! OHMAHFREAKINGGAWDITISSSS!!" Charlotte spun around in circles.

We walked around to the vendors, waiting for Riku and Jaypaw to catch up to us. I spent half my money on cotton candy, fried dough, drinks, and things with really fancy "e"s plastered on them. Hillary, in the meantime, was drooling over all the fancy jewelry for sale. Suddenly Riku approached me with Jaypaw, out of breath.

"HEYA!" I grinned.

"We gotta get to our seats…" Riku gasped.

"Coolio. HEY EVERYONE! WE GOTTA GET TA OUR SEATS NOW! SO SAYS RIKU!" I screamed. Charlotte, Yuffie, Sora, Kairi, and Hillary all came scrambling out of various places to line up in front of Riku and myself. Riku handed each of us our tickets.

"Okay, these were really expensive, so don't loose them." Riku stated. I looked at my ticket. Bewildered, I stared at it. _FRONT ROW_ mine read. Front row.

"R…Riku? Are these real?" I asked, my stomach thrashing around like a million violent, blood-thirsty butterflies had just been released into my body to wreak havoc on my internal organs.

"Of course. We made a lot of money, so I was able to score front row seats." He beamed.

"Homahgawdilikesluvsyouz."

"I know Kat. I know." he replied.

We filed into the theater. Around us, a bunch of people dressed in black and Evanescence t-shirts stared at us like we were aliens. I wonder why. It's not we looked out of place or anything. Yuffie had on her usual short shorts and mini shirt. Kairi was wearing a bright pastel pink dress. Sora had bright yellow shoes on, which clashed a bit with his puffy red pants, making him look like the McDonald's fairy. Riku had on a black t-shirt and blue jeans. Hillary was wearing a sweater and velvet pants. Charlotte wore a frilly black dress that had a few white hearts scattered here and there on it. I wore my leopard pajamas that I had gotten for Christmas last year. They were soft and fuzzy. :D Jaypaw wore his usual scowl.

Slinking towards our seats in the front row, the lights began to dim. I horrifically loud voice blared through the speakers announcing that there was 5 minutes until the show would start. I squished into my row after Charlotte. Hillary seated herself to my left. Kairi sat next to Hillary, and Sora next to Kairi. To Kairi's left was Riku, who held Jaypaw on his lap. The lights dimmed further, and I shoved some cotton candy into my mouth.

Suddenly, all the lights went off. A spotlight slammed onto the stage revealing none other than Amy Lee herself, microphone in hand. The crowd erupted into violent fits of screaming, twitching, more screaming, clapping, and whistling. A guitar sounded, which further aroused the crowd into screaming ever louder than they already were. I put my food down and joined in the frenzy, waving my hands like a nutcase and unleashing short bursts of earsplitting noise from my mouth.

_Feels like the weight of the world_

_like God in heaven gave me a turn_

_don't cling to me, I swear I fix you_

_still in the dark, can you fix me?_

_Freefall, freefall, all through life…_

Amy Lee's silky smooth voice filled the air, melting with the guitar and drums for a beautiful melody of _Weight of the World._

Pyrotechnics shot out from the air, just when the sing reached a climax. They startled me a little bit. Funny. I don't think they should have set them off that close. Suddenly I heard a shrieking to my far left. A blaze erupted in the air. Riku and Jaypaw were on fire. O…M…G… W…T…F…?

The rest of the fans in the theater were too busy shrieking at the band to notice that a boy and a cat had been set on fire in the front row. FWOOSH! The flames exploded further. Then suddenly they died down. Kairi, Sora, Charlotte, Hillary, Yuffie and I all sat silently at the black spot on the floor. There was nothing there but scorch marks on the ground.

"I think we should leave now…" whispered Charlotte to me. I nodded. Scooting through the row, Sora, Kairi, and the rest followed behind Charlotte and me as we quickly and quietly left the theater.

The cool air outside brushed my face. That was so freaking weird. Kairi hailed a cab, because obviously, we couldn't all fit into Yuffie's car. On the cad ride home, Hillary and Charlotte were silent.

"That was… bizarre." Hillary squeaked. I nodded.

"Let's never talk about this again, agreed?" I asked, looking at the two of them.

"Agreed." They both nodded.

And we never EVER talked about that again.

A/N:

… Oo Okay… I think I might be done with Kat's Konvalusions now. So that's it. I might make a sequel. Maybe. Only maybe. If I get bored enough. Also, next time, I won't give myself time constraints. Why? Because I tend to ignore them.

Soooooooooooooooooo… I think I might be done with solo crack-fics for a while. I wanna try something new… Something… Angsty. Yeah. Angsty. That's it. I won't be gone for long though!

BTW, you know how I said done with SOLO crack-fics? Yeah. I'm actually doing a dual account with my friend Hillary. Warriorcat's Spirit- or something to that effect. Oo We're called Twilight Hikari. Check us out please! We do everything from absolute nonsensical crack to holiday special crack! Can anyone say… XEMNAS WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALTY DISORDER?! lolz, we haven't started that one yet… but we do have an AMAZING trilogy called… ROXAS GOES TO THE SUPERMARKET TO BUY APPLES!! XD Soooo… yeah… -angst-

ALSO I AM CHANGING MY PEN NAME TO Twilight Leopardess, okay?


End file.
